It is 8pm on a Tuesday evening, and I am busy annoyance the Olympic associations of various Caribbean countries by asking them which national anthem will play if one of their athletes wins amber in Beijing. "You want to know what?" asks the receptionist at the Meat Market - a butcher that happens to share the same telephone set line as the Virgin Islands Olympic Committee.
"I just now want to know if your athletes would heed to the US's anthem or that of the Virgin Islands."
"I don't bed, son," she says. "All I hump is we ain't gonna win no gold medal."
I have fatigued the last few weeks making calls like this because I have been trying to track down every single national anthem that mightiness be heard at this year's Olympics. All 205 of them. My plan was to listen to all the anthems - the subservient versions that you hear at the Olympics - with a music journalist's ear, and rank them; that way of life I would know wHO to barrack for. There is no other middling way to compare countries musically. National anthems ar the same the reality over - a short, classical piece meant to stir up pride. They have got to be boisterous and bombastic, with a tune simple enough that you can exclaim it whether drunk in a stadium, or drunk in social movement of the TV.
Little did I know that it would take a month to track down four hours, 26 minutes and 25 seconds of euphony, or that most of those tunes would be so tiresome I would have to limit myself to phoebe a day to diaphragm them putt me ofbrass for life. I also didn't carry the search to create in me an deathless hatred for both La Marseillaise (versions of which are put-upon by 7 countries) and God Save the Queen (used by three).
And what did I learn from all this? That there are only if a 12 anthems that are musically worth listening to - and that most of the countries these belong to do not make a hope of winning a gold in Beijing.
Anthems go back as far as the 1560s, when William of Orange's fellowship decided he needed a song, Het Wilhelmus ("The William"), to accompany his exploits scrap for Dutch independence against the Spanish. It is a peaceful song - calming, regular - with a voluminous melody. In short, it is everything an anthem shouldn't be, which is perhaps why no other country developed an anthem for a good two centuries. God Save the Queen was not performed until 1745, La Marseillaise until 1792, and what is now Germany's - music written by Haydn - until 1797.
With colonialism, anthems bed covering world- wide-cut, although nearly were not made official until the 1920s and 1930s. The first time they were used at the Olympics was 1924. But colonialism did non lead to every rural area adopting the hymns and military marches that pass on for anthems in Europe. Three other types developed: folk anthems based on traditional melodies; "the Arab fanfare", uncouth in Middle Eastern countries and consisting of little more than a trumpet flourish; and the Latin American "heroic anthems".
The last group ar by far the most fun. Most of them last over four transactions and are set out like miniskirt operas. They have a rollicking opening section, in which each part of the memorial tablet section tries to outplay the others, a melodramatic, meandering center section - oboes and flutes overtop - and an extraordinary finish.
All of which desktop is pretty irrelevant, as from hearing to 205 of them I accept realised there are actually just 2 types of anthem: the perfunctory, exanimate ones, and those that make the effort to be different. Shame that 190 light into the first group.
Antigua's, for model, is a school assembly tune, not an hymn, while Sri Lanka's sounds like a nursery rhyme. There ar dull military marches such as Malta's and Burkina Faso's, and dull hymns like Zambia's and Malaysia's. Whoever wrote them seemed to be aiming entirely for a tune bare enough that parents could teach it to their children on a recorder.
The other big disappointment with the majority of anthems is that no matter which country they come from, they good like they were written by a band leader from the Royal Navy. There are no cha-cha rhythms in Cuba's anthem, no lavishness guitars in Ghana's.
"There ar historical reasons for this," says Derek Scott, prof of critical musicology at Leeds University. "The UK's was the first real national anthem in 1745. And it was adopted by lots of other countries: Sweden, Germany, even Russia at one point. The idea developed that it was only the words that were significant in expressing national quality. The tune to God Save the Queen was seen as meaning 'national anthem' and the words were what made it appropriate to each country."
People know what a home anthem is supposed to sound like - a western military march - so they make sure theirs sounds the same. "Countries use of goods and services anthems to put themselves on the world stage," he says.
In malice of this, there are a handful of anthems that do stand stunned - either because they use non-western instruments, scales and tunes, or because they take a western anthem and then toy with it, making it solemn or funny, and entirely their own. Most of the "Stans" of central Asia have anthems that sound like they could non have fall from anyplace apart from former Soviet states. They trudge along in minor keys, filled with magisterial strings and booming drums, as if written to accompany armies clambering into battle.
Then there are Nepal's, Senegal's and Nigeria's, all of which make use of local instruments. Senegal's is even called "Strum your koras, strike your balafons" after the instruments that play it. Guinea's, a military marching, inexplicably has
a 10-second "polka break out" halfway through. Burundi's does a similar trick, turning into the soundtrack from a Bruce Lee plastic film for 10 seconds in front realising that perhaps it wasn't the best thought after all.
When you see tunes like these, which are really different and exciting - world music fans would be overlapping them up if they didn't bonk they were anthems - it makes you admiration why others do non follow their example. But will you actually listen any of these at the Olympics? Well, Japan's should
suffer several airings - see out, in particular, for Kosuke Kitajima in the 200m men's breast-stroke - but none of the others has actually won gold in either of the final two Olympics, so it's unlikely. "We only experience six athletes going to
Beijing and they didn't actually dispose," says a spokesman for Bangladesh's Olympic association. Surely, then, all the more reason to cheer them for their music.
Be Upstanding: The ten-spot best national anthemsUruguay: National anthem
One of the most euphoric pieces of classical music I've ever heard. Banks of trumpets play crescendos to false endings - for five transactions. But somehow it works.
Bangladesh: My Golden Bengal
A wondrous anthem that sounds like it was written for a perambulation along the Seine. It really inevitably Jacques Brel. Which is probably non what the Bangladeshi composer had in mind.
Tajikistan: National anthem
Written when the commonwealth was part of the USSR, it sounds wish the music that plays in James Bond films when a Russian spy is nigh to disregard off Bond's manhood. It doesn't try to soar, but frighten, and it's all the better for it.
Mauritania: National anthem
A trip into the heart of the souk, albeit a menacing one. The melodic line is so unusual that most Mauritanian's can't sing along to it, so pretend it doesn't ingest any words.
Dominica: Isle of Beauty, Isle of Splendour
A simple, spiralling melody stuck on double for 47 seconds, just there's such movement and elegance to it. Don't confuse with the Dominican Republic's, which is wretched.
US Virgin Isles: Virgin Islands March
It's Mary Poppins! One of the few hems to literally displume out all the bells and whistles. This should be a soundtrack to a kid's film.
Senegal: Strum Your Koras, Strike Your Balafons
How can an anthem that name checks two local instruments in its rubric - a harp and a xylophone - be any less than brilliant? It's truly two tunes - the first twinkles, the second strolls. But both ar amazing.
Nigeria: Arise O Compatriots, Nigeria's Call Obey
Written in 1978 by the Nigerian Police Band, this should be an awful mar. Fortunately it features relentless afrobeat percussion, which makes any tune outstanding.
Nepal: Hundreds of Flowers
Adopted last year, when Nepal's House of Representatives threw out the old, western-style anthem. This ethnic music melody on strings and hand drums sounds care slowed-down bhangra. Shame it's probably unplayable by boldness, so unlikely to be heard outside Nepal.
Japan: May Your Reign Last Forever
Solemn. So much so, it'll own you thinking of everyone you've lost for its duration. Rarely does an anthem carry such weight.
More info
